Announcer: Voice over. Lines may be read. Must be a fast, but clear talker. Has a radio commercial voice.

Host: "Son of Svengoolie"/"Elvira" Type of character. Wears outlandish costume. Laughs at own jokes.

Rick Wallaby: Primary character. Requires a character actor who is animated with a lot of body and facial expressions.

Renfield: Caretaker. Has a hump. Marty Fieldman type of character.

Joy & Carol: (Commercial Characters) Overly dramatic, badly acted, and smiles at the audience.

Rick's Voice: Complement to the announcer. Sits at the side of the stage, and (may) read the lines as if in a radio studio.

Ann Wallaby: Rick's Wife. Another character actor. Complements Rick. Very expressive, if a bit melodramatic.

Sister Morphelia: Nun-like character. Speaks with a witch's cackle. Hair is wild, and dresses very gaudy.

Brother Sominex: Dressed in a robe. Sounds like the guy from "Monster Mash" song. Talks in calm soothing voice.

Visitor: Talks in classic Dracula accent. May be played by guest speaker.

Organist: Visible to the audience. Responsible for many sound effects as well as all incidental music.

Setting:

The play makes fun of old radio dramas like "Lights Out!" The acting should be melodramatic and expressive. The scene is in an old run-down church, the stage settings can be generic enough to simulate many different rooms by merely re-arranging the furniture. Lighting plays a crucial role, as does sound effects. Music is very important and should be played live where the organist can be in plain view of the players.

Props:

Stuffed bird; matches; brooms and a bucket; watch; tea settings for commercial; Repento; small mouth tuner; moveable chairs for car, pews, etc.; at least a dozen unbreakable casserole dishes; two portable tables; visitor cards; a hand sized cross.

(Opening organ music)

Announcer: And now, the Nuclear Broadcasting System presents; the "Three-Mile Theatre". Safe, clean and efficient entertainment for home and industry. Brought to you each week by the makers of Repento Deodorant, Culver's Fish Cream. Those delicious little frozen seafood treats on a stick.

(More organ music – which continues through the Host's intro)

Host: (entering through creaky door) Come in. (Laughs) We've been waiting for you. Tonight we've been waiting for you. Tonight we've got a tale that will chill you to your very bones. (Stuffed bird squawks and moves on perch/shoulder) Down Leroy, down. (Beats bid) A story so horrifying, so frightening real, you might not want to listen to it alone. I am called DAVE (Voice echoes), and I will be your "ghost" for this evening's thriller. So, as you lock your doors, bolt your windows, turn off all your lights, and grab your handguns, we invite you folks out in radioactive land to find a good seat as the curtain goes up in (ominously) the Three-Mile Theatre. (Organ music swells and ends with a gong.) (Host laughs) If you're like me, you probably have a few "skeletons" in your closet. That's one thing I never make any "bones" about. (Laughs) But, mine only stays there because he doesn't have the "Guts" to come out. (Laughs) And that's where our story begins – in the closet. And, it's about a man who did come out, only to find himself face-to-face with … "The Creeping Void."

(Organ music)

Host: Two men sit huddled in the crowded closet. Cautiously studying one another in the near darkness. (Brad lights a match) A single match casts an eerie glow on one face in the corner, as the other figure paces nervously among the buckets and brooms. Staring into the flame as it burns it's way to his thumb. Flame gets close to Brad's thumb and he yelps as he puts out the match)

Rick: Is there anything I can do?

Renfield: Yes and there's not much time. But now there's two of us, we can fight them together.

Rick: But I don't really want to get involved.

Renfield: Oh, but you are involved. You've got no choice. It may be too late. What time is it?

Rick: Twelve O'clock.

Renfield: It's too late.

Rick: My watch is a little fast.

Renfield: Then we still have a chance! So, you want to hear the truth? The whole shameful, disgusting truth? The whole sickening, revolting truth? (Pause) I can't talk about it.

Rick: We haven't much time!

Renfield: Oh, you're so right. The terrible secret -- are you sure you're ready for this? Maybe you should sit down.

Rick: I am sitting down.

Renfield: Then maybe you should stand up. We can't let them catch us sitting down.

Rick: Out with it!

Renfield: Ok! (Sound of footsteps begins) The terrible secret, the truth behind all the mysterious goings on is … Ah! Shhh. Someone's coming. (Footsteps come closer – door opens.)

Rick: They're opening the closet door.

Renfield: Oh, no!

(Organ music)

Narrator: We'll be back to The Three-Mile Theatre after this word from our sponsor.

<Commercial #1: Set in a kitchen with two women washing dishes>

Joy: (Hums happily to herself)

Carol: Dishes, dishes. I get so sick of dishes I could just scream! Why can't I ever relax for a while? (Notices Joy stopped humming) Oh, Joy. What's wrong?

Joy: It's your attitude Carol. It stinks!

Carol: My attitude?

Joy: Mmm-hmm. I used to have the same problem, "Heart Odor," Until I found out about "Repento." It's a heart deodorant.

Carol: Heart deodorant?

Joy: Mmm-hmm.

Carol: Joy, are you kidding?

Joy: Mmm-mmm. Washes away the attitudes that cause a bad heart. See? It's right here on the label. Read it yourself.

Carol: Hmm, "Repento – cleans up your conversation."

Joy: It really works.

Carol: Well, Joy. I think I'll try it.

Joy: Wonderful.

Narrator: Later that week…. (Whistle sound)

Joy: (Both laughing over tea) Oh, Carol, your conversation is so uplifting now a days, it's a real blessing to be around you.

Carol: Oh, thanks to you, (Joy: (blushing) Now….) and "Repento." (Joy: (blushing) Mmm-hmm) Why, now even doing dishes is….

Joy: Yes?

Carol: A real joy! (Both laugh)

Joy: You're so clever, Carol.

Carol: (Sighs) Ah.

Narrator: That's right, folks. Remember to clean up your act with "Repento." (Ding) (All sing) "When - your - heart's a mess, you must confess, you need Repento – Re-pent-o. (Whistle sound)

(Organ music)

Host: (Laughs) And now, back to our closet, where our main character is facing unknown danger, and where the moths are having a "ball." (Laughs)

(Organ music begins and plays through dialog)

Rick's Voice: Cramped inside a crowded closet with a half crazed old coot. Not exactly cozy. And just what was this terrible secret? I didn't want to wait around to find out. I wanted to run but I couldn't. My foot was stuck in a pail and I was in this thing up to my ankle. (Rain sound) A rainy day and a Saturday afternoon drive was where it all started. A drive that lead us on a journey into the depth of horror, and the heights of the supernatural. I made a turn at the middle of nowhere, and headed into … the unknown.

(Organ music)

(Ann & Rick pretend to be traveling in a car)

Ann: How much farther do we have to go, Rick? The casserole is getting cold.

Rick: Well, Ann. You can always make sandwiches out of it for my lunch tomorrow.

Ann: (Shocked) You mean … we're lost?

Rick: Only until I can figure out where we are.

Ann: Oh, Rick. Tonight's the all church potluck. We'll be missing out on food, fellowship and fun.

Rick: Well, how do you think I feel? I was dying to see Phil and Frank's film footage from the foreign field. (Car starts rattling and stops.) Oh, no.

Ann: What's wrong with the car?

Rick: (Trying to start car) The engine. It's cut out mysteriously and now it won't start.

Ann: What are we going to do?

Rick: I don't know. Look - up ahead. It looks like a house. Maybe they have a phone we can use.

Ann: Rick, for some reason, I feel uneasy about that place.

Rick: (Dramatically) An eerie sense of impending doom? (Organ Blast)

Ann: (Pause) Sort of.

Rick's Voice: (Music plays in the background) The place turned out to be an old abandoned church. During brief flashes of lightening I could see it clearly. All boarded up and surrounded by a few twisted barren trees. Ominously my digital beeped eight O'clock. (Small beep-beep)

Rick: (As both enter the church through a creaky door) The door's open. (Looking around) Hello! Anybody home? (Sound of thunder) A look like nobody's been in this place for a long time.

Ann: Oh, Rick. There's no telephone here. Let's go back to the car. Maybe somebody would drive by and see us.

Rick: Let's at least wait until it stops raining. I wonder what kind of church this was.

Ann: A terrible church. An evil, dead church.

Rick: Why, Ann, whatever would make you say such a thing?

Ann: I don't know, it just seemed like the thing to say. Rick, (Organ blast) there's something strange about this place.

Rick: Don't be so uptight, Ann. Relax, this place isn't so bad. It kind of reminds me of our church. Look here, (opens a casserole) It's an old moss covered tuna casserole - all that remains of a long forgotten potluck. This thing's probably been here for years.

Ann: (Picking up the casserole) Rick!

Rick: What is it?

Ann: This casserole – it's still warm!

Morphelia: (Suddenly appearing) Greetings! (Ann screams and drops the dish)

Rick: Who are you?

Morphelia: There are those who call me … Morphelia.

Ann: Is that your name?

Morphelia: NO! We don't get visitors here very often; you'll have to fill out these "visitor cards." (Evil laugh)

Rick: Well, my name's Rick Wallaby, and this is my wife, Ann.

Morphelia: Umm- hmm. Did you pickup one of our busses or did you come with a friend? (Laughs)

Rick: Well, actually our car stalled out a little ways down the road, do you have a phone we could use to call for help?

Morphelia: I'm afraid not. (Laughs) The storm has knocked out all the telephone lines – AND THE ELECTRICITY! (Organ blast)

Ann: Well, we were on our way to church when we got lost.

Morphelia: How fortunate. Walk this way (Creeps off, others try to mimic)

Rick: We thought this place was deserted.

Morphelia: DESERTED? Oh, my, no! You folks are just in time for evening service.

Ann: You mean you actually hold services here?

Morphelia: Two on Saturday, one in the week and once a month we have a rally for the "young people." (Laughs)

Rick: Well, how far to the next town?

Morphelia: TOO FAR! (Points to pew) You could just sit here in that row. Move the casseroles and just drop this card in the offering plate. I'll let brother Sominex know you are here. (Low laugh)

Rick: What an odd woman … such cold hands.

Ann: She frightens me. This place frightens me. Why can't we just…?

Rick: We might as well make the best of things Ann, like it or not, we'll have to stay the night. (Brother Sominex enters) Shh, this must be Brother Sominex.

Sominex: (Clears throat) With every head bowed and every mind closed, and while our organist is playing softly, I ask you friends: Do you find that the frustrations of daily living gets you so uptight you can't see straight? I see those hands. Then, tonight's word is for you, and that word is … "relax." (Voice echoes) Take a deep breath, and slowly let it out…. (Rick's Voice begins talking here as Sominex continues quietly - Ann starts to get this dazed look) Yes, let those minds go and forget the world around you. Spend some time in retrospect of your life and forget your troubles, and your worries, and those who need your help. Forget about everyone but YOU. Inhale. Exhale. Breathe in the fresh air. There is nothing around that you need concern yourself with.

Rick's Voice: His voice had a mysteriously soothing quality to it and I began to feel my body relaxing. My apprehensions fading and my mind quietly excusing itself and slipping out the back. I became less and less aware of what was happening around me, knowing only the voice as it enveloped me in calm and tranquility. I could have stayed there forever, except my head bounced off the pew in front of me and came to rest near my wife's shoes.

Sominex and Ann: (In unison) Inhale. Exhale. (Rick begins talking) Inhale. Exhale.

Rick: Ann, you were right, there's something strange about this place.

Sominex: (Continuing in background) You're doing wonderful. Inhale. Exhale.

Ann: (With a blank stare) Oh, Rick. You're always so uptight. Just relax and enjoy the service.

Sominex: (Continuing in background) Inhale. Exhale.

Rick: I don't know what's going on here, but I don't think I like it.

Sominex: That's right, you keep it up while we consider some more answers to the important questions, like: "What's in it for me?" I see that hand….

Rick: Take my hand and come on, Ann. I think this is the way out. (As they try to escape they bump into Sister Morphelia)

Morphelia: (Bumps into them) I wasn't aware the service was over already.

Rick: Well, nice bumping into you again Sister Anemia. (Morphelia: Of course) My wife was looking a little pale, (Ann: Ooh) so we came out to get some air.

Rick & Ann: Inhale. Exhale. (Morphelia laughs)

Rick: (To Ann as she continues saying "Inhale. Exhale.") You keep her busy and I'll look for a way out of here.

(Organ music begins)

Rick's Voice: I didn't like leaving Ann alone with her, but I was sure I could find my way back to the foyer if I just had a minute. I was groping down a side passage when suddenly I was grabbed from behind and pulled into that closet. (Renfield's hand clasps over Rick's mouth, and Rick protests with a muffled voice) I'd never talked to anyone inside a closet before, so I felt a little awkward for a second. I stammered out a lame….

Rick: (As Renfield moves his hand to Rick's neck) What's this all about?

Renfield: Shhh, they'll hear you.

Rick: Who?

Renfield: Those … THINGS!

Rick: Those are good Christian people you're talking about.

Renfield: ARE THEY? Have you looked into their eyes? Listened to the way they talk?

Rick: Really now, you've got to let me go. This is crazy.

Renfield: Is it? As crazy as letting them take over?

Rick: All right, I'm perfectly willing to let you tell me all about it, but you've still got me by the throat.

Renfield: Do I? Oh, sorry. (Let's go of Rick) My name is…Renfield. (Organ blast)

Rick's Voice: It was then that we were nearly discovered.

Renfield: Shhh, It's one of those "things."

Visitor: (Opening door) Can you tell me how to get to the big room with all the spews?

Renfield: Uh, Yah. It's down the corridor to the left.

Visitor: Sanctuary much. (Organ music)

Renfield: Ooh, that was BAD. Now, tell me, don't you notice something unusual about these people?

Rick's Voice: (Organ music throughout) I did remember that Ann and I were the only ones singing during song service. I had thought it was because the others didn't know the words. And then there was the man next to us who was nailed to the pew. It didn't seem like much at the time, but I mentioned it to Renfield.

Renfield: Of course they're nailed in. I did it myself.

Rick: (Aghast) But, NAILED IN? That's awful.

Renfield: Oh, you're telling me. I'm running out of nails. You see, if they weren't nailed in, they'd be falling all over the floor.

Rick: You mean…they're d-d-d-dead?

Renfield: No, they're b-b-b-bored. I watched it happen myself. So slowly no one realized what was going on. Until it was too late. (Organ blast) You fall spiritually asleep for just a second and it happens. (Organ grows) Your light is extinguished. (Organ grows) You become useless! (Organ blast)

Rick's Voice: His words cut like a Ginsu! (Japanese "hai-yah" sound then a gong) (Music starts) So, there was more to it than food, fellowship and fun. A little more time and I would have ended up nailed to a pew like the others. He went on….

Renfield: They don't like us Rick. We make them feel uncomfortable, and if there's one thing they simply won't tolerate, it's being uncomfortable. They want to make US like THEM.

Rick: Oh, no…my wife. (Leaves closet) I left her with one of those…"things."

Renfield: Wait, if you want to get out of here, meet me in the belfry in fifteen minutes, and take this. (Hands Rick a cross) You'll need it.

Rick: A cross? I don't understand.

Renfield: They're terrified by it. Now go – AND BE CAREFUL!

(Organ music as Rick leaves. Scene shifts to Morphelia and Ann in a corridor)

Morphelia: (Evil laugh) Yes, and I want to stress and stress again the importance of the word, and that word of course is…"relax." Just relax.

Ann: (Talking like a zombie) Of course, why didn't I see it before? Relax.

Morphelia: (Hears Rick entering) Here comes your husband. Remember the word.

Ann: Yes. (To Rick) I was so worried about you…Rick.

Rick: No need to worry…. (Switches to zombie-like voice) I mean, no need to worry about me anymore, Ann. I've come over to your side.

Ann: Oh, Rick (Continues saying "Rick, Rick.")

Morphelia: So, you've finally seen the light have you, Rick?

Rick's Voice: Light. Hmm. Everything Jesus said, and less.

Morphelia: This IS a blessing, isn't it Ann?

Ann: I'm so blessed I could die.

Rick: Well, I'm blessed that you're blessed.

Morphelia: let me be the first to offer you the right hand of fellowship. There's a potluck tonight…in the "fellowship hall."

Rick: We'll be there. We won't forget Sister Amnesia. Come Ann.

Morphelia: That'll be a…"blessing." (Laughs)

(Organ plays in scene change)

Host: (Laughs) All this talk about potlucks and casseroles is making me hungry. I think I'll try cooking up one of my own. Just call me "Count Spatula." (Laughs) How about you, Mr. Announcer? Got any suggestions for a midnight snack? (Laughs)

Announcer: Just one Dave, I suggest we send out for some Culver's Fish Cream, those delicious little frozen seafood treats on a stick. That's right kids, try cooling off this summer with Culver's "Trout-cicles." Salmon Sherbet, Shrimp Sundae, or creamy Oysters Jubilee. Made fresh everyday. And remember, never forget this month's flavor of the week: Mississippi Fudge. Three big scoops of steamed catfish batter, dipped in real chocolate, topped with blueberry cheesecake. Mmmm. And, keep saving those baggies for wonderful free prizes. That's Culver's Fish Cream – For the frozen seafood lover in you.

Host: Oooh. Just thinking about Culver's Fish Cream gives me a cold creep down my spine. And speaking of "cold creeps," let's get back to out story…"The Creeping Void." (Organ – dum dum dum) We continue with Rick and Ann in the eerie old church, wandering down a dark passage alone – together. (Laugh)

(Organ music)

Rick: (With Ann, comes running onto the stage.) Come on Ann; let's get out of here.

Ann: (Tired) This isn't the way to the fellowship hall, Rick.

Rick: Chatting with folks so dead they have to be nailed in is not my idea of fellowship. (Hears voices) Oh, no. We must have come the wrong way. (Voices come closer) Who are those people coming toward us? The service must be over. Quick! This way! (Pulling Ann off to side stage, Ann is dragging, tired and breathing heavy) We're safe for now, I wonder where we are? (Ann breathes heavier) Look, on those tables! (Organ blast) Casseroles! (Ann: Mmmm.) Millions of them! (Ann: Mmmm.) This must be the fellowship hall! Wait, there's someone standing over there…RENFIELD! (Pulls Ann toward Renfield who is standing next to the organ) Come on honey, we might have a chance yet!

Ann: (Whining) But Rick. Can't we stop and eat? I'm so hungry.

Rick: Renfield, am I glad to see you. Look I've brought my wife, now let's get out of here and warn the Christians! (Organ blast) We can't let the Devil defeat the church like this! (Organ grows) We can stop them if we act fast! (Organ grows) Stop banging on that organ and listen to me! (Organ grows) RENFIELD!

Renfield: (Turning to Rick, now looks like a zombie) I think you've become a little too Devil conscious Rick.

Rick: Oh, no!

Renfield: You're a little but uptight, you need to relax.

Rick: Renfield, they got you too. Your PASSIVE!

Renfield: We've been waiting for you Rick. (Others begin to enter, whispering things like, "Hello, Rick" and "How's it going?")

Rick: Come on, Ann. This way. (Escapes to another corner of the stage – opens the door and finds Sominex) (Gasps) (Organ blast)

Sominex: Leaving so soon, Rick? (Others whisper things like, "Stay with us.")

(Rick drags Ann to another corner of the stage. The others slowly close in on them whispering words of greetings and friendship.)

Morphelia: (As Rick bumps into her with a gasp) There's a casserole for you, Rick. (Laughs) (Sominex whispers, "Take your pick")

Renfield: (With others closing in) There's no use fighting it, Rick. You can't stay awake forever.

Rick: Yes I can – to the last breath! (Ann starts saying, "Inhale. Exhale") I've got to get out of here and warn the Christians!

Sominex: But we're all Christians here. (Others whisper in agreement)

Renfield: Won't you join us Rick? It's so much easier.

Rick: NEVER! (Getting very scared as the others begin to touch him)

Rick's Voice: (As the music starts to get anxious) I flipped over the table in front of me, dozens of casseroles crashed to the floor. Suddenly, I realized something was terribly wrong. (Music stops) I had tuna noodle all over my shoes. (Rick looks at his shoe and mimes shaking it off – music begins again) I grabbed Ann's hand and in the confusion, we slipped out a side door.

Rick: (Pulling Ann away) Come on honey, they're right behind us.

Ann: (Drops to the floor) Oh, Rick. I think I broke my leg, you go ahead without me.

Rick: Here, I'll help you.

Ann: But, Rick. That spinach gumbo looked so good.

Renfield: (Offstage) There they are!

Morphelia: (Offstage) We've got them now! (Laughs)

(Organ music plays as the others enter.)

Rick's Voice: Suddenly, I remembered the cross Renfield had given me. I pulled it out and waved it at the zombies.

Rick: Oh, yah? What about this? (Holds up cross – the others cower in fear)

Morphelia: The cross!

Renfield: Don't talk like that!

Visitor: Change the subject!

Sominex: Don't panic, breathe!

Rick's Voice: I held aloft the cross as it glistened in the morning sunlight streaming through the broken windows of the foyer. (Music becomes triumphant) I pulled Ann behind me and on the way out the door, I gave Renfield the left foot of fellowship. (Rick kicks Renfield who yelps) No one followed.

(Rick and Ann escape, finally stopping to catch their breath outside.)

Ann: Rick…Rick, you mustn't do this.

Rick: (Looking around) They're not coming after us. Good. (Ann grunts and whines like she's very tired) Let's rest here a minute. (Grabs Ann's shoulders) Ann, look at me.

Ann: (Whines) What? (Music begins)

Rick: You've got to snap out of this. (Music builds) Listen to me.

Ann: (Whines) What?

Rick: There's millions of people out there with needs. (Music builds)

Ann: (Whines) Needs?

Rick: They need to hear the Gospel. (Music builds)

Ann: (Whines) Gospel?

Rick: They need to be loved! (Music builds)

Ann: What? But the word is "relax." (Music continues to build)

Rick: Oh, you're too relaxed.

Ann: (Continues whining) The word is….

Rick: We can't barricade ourselves in this mausoleum while people are starving, dying…. (Music swells – Ann continues to gasp and whine as Rick shakes her) ANN, YOU'VE GOT TO COME OUT OF THIS!

(Music peaks as Ann screams to Rick's shaking – suddenly, Ann wakes and realizes what is happening.)

Ann: (Crying) Oh, Rick. I'm sorry. I'm so frightened. What a horrible nightmare. Rick, I didn't even care anymore.

Rick: (Dramatically) It could happen to anybody, but it's all right now. The nightmare…is over!

(Rick helps Ann to her feet as the music plays triumphantly. Rick and Ann stand holding each other looking over the audience, music plays in the background. While Rick's voice talks, they slowly walk off the stage.)

Rick's Voice: The nightmare was over – for us. But, what about others? Through the trees I could see busses being loaded with casseroles, no doubt they were to be shipped to potlucks throughout the country. The word is…"Apathy." Are you cutting back on your prayer time? Finding excuses not to witness? Is it happening in your church? Is it happening…to you? (Other's voices repeat: "You, you, YOU!" And laughter)

Host: (Walks in laughing) It's O.K. now, It's all over. Turn your lights back on and put away your handguns. Something like that couldn't really happen, could it? (Laughs) Just don't sell your soul for a casserole. (Laughs) Oh, and mine should be done right about now. (Looks at dish) Mmmm, perfect. You're wondering what my fine-feathered friend; Leroy had to say about all this? Let's just say he really got "cooked up" over tonight's story. (Laughs) Next week, our feature will be 'Ma and Pa Kettle in outer space.' Ooh, don't miss it. So until our next strange story, this is your strange storyteller – Dave. (Echoes) Saying, nighty-nite (Laughs while closing creaky door) Nighty-nite! (Laughs)

(Door slams as Organ plays ending music.)